Revolution of Love.com
When Bonding Doesn't Happen Right Away
by Bobbi
When I was pregnant with Bella I read every baby book I could get my hands on. I couldn't get enough information! Although I knew that book knowledge was not the same as the reality of the experience, I felt better prepared at least knowing what was "supposed" to happen.
During my pregnancy I kept a journal to "my little one" to help me bond with my baby before she was born. It truly helped me feel closer to her and I imagined that after giving birth the bonding would be complete…one look at each other and we'd be bonded forever. Little did I know then that it would not be instantaneous.
When I went into labor a month early from my due date, I arrived at the hospital with gripping contractions, already 10 centimeters dilated. The doctors were running around like crazy getting things set up while I tried not to push. When the time did come and Bella came out, I wasn't able to hold her, or even really look at her for that matter. She was whisked away into the NICU and hooked up to tubes since she weighed less than 4 pounds.
After getting stitched and cleaned up I was able to walk across the hall and visit my little baby girl. She was so beautiful but so tiny! The nurses told me that it would be awhile until we could take Bella home and although I was relieved that she was doing well and getting excellent care, my heart ached to lie in my hospital bed without my baby within me or beside me.
As the days turned into a week I worried that Bella would regard me as just another face in the nursery. How would she know that I was her Mama and not another nurse? I loved my little Bella but that bond I dreamed about was not there. I felt like a terrible mother from the onset! Even after the glorious 11th day when we were able to bring Bella home, after endless hours of feeding, changing diapers, and rocking a screaming baby, I felt no bond. It was as if I was just the live-in maid working 24/7. I laughed (or cried) to myself that this must be why my Mom always said that the "M" in Mother stands for "martyr." I had to learn to love even when it seemed that no love was reciprocated.
After some time had passed, I recall sitting on the living room couch feeding Bella as usual, except that this time her eyes were completely focused on me. After a few minutes of sucking she stopped and gave me a smile of recognition! (And don't give the "it's just gas" explanation!) My heart completely melted as I cried, "She knows me!" In that moment it was as if our hearts were completely bonded. She was my baby and she knew I was her Mama.
Today my little Bella is nearing two and there is nothing quite so precious as when she calls me Mama and hugs my neck with all her might. Although the bonding may have been "late" in coming, it is deeper and stronger than I ever imagined it would be. I love my little one and I know my little one loves me!