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(Many times we receive emails asking similar questions. We have turned some of these questions into posts so others can benefit from them. Brian and I aren't experts and we simply share our experiences with you.)

Q&A: Will A Guy Like Me Even If I Have Faults and Am Not Perfect?

by Bobbi

Question:

Dear Bobbi, I recently joined one of those online services for Catholic singles. Since you and Brian met on one of those, I wanted to ask your advice. I love God but am not "super religious". I like to go out and have fun. I have a sense of humor but my jokes may be considered crude, but that's just how I am. I want to find a decent Catholic guy but I also want him to like me for who I am not expect me to be "perfect". Any advice? Thanks, Jane Smith

Answer:

Hi Jane,

Your question is a reasonable one, particularly in the type of meeting that takes place over the internet. There is always the danger or making the person we're corresponding with as some kind of "perfect man/woman" and then once you meet, there may be a bit of a shock that your perfect person has some very human and annoying traits.

It is good to keep a realistic perspective on things. For me, in looking for someone I finally reached the point (after years of dating the wrongs guys) of making a list of the things that were a must in a man (ie. a love of God; a strong, practicing Catholic; a sense of humor; some common interests, etc.) and things that were superficial and no longer that important to me (he didn't have to listen to the same type of music or dress in a way that I thought was "cool".) I also understood that there were some things about a guy that may just come with the territory and some things that were non-negotiable. For example, I could deal with something like a sloppy guy who left his clothes on the floor all the time but I could not deal with a guy with an angry streak that could get physical.

In the same way, when a guy gets to know you and all your little quirks there will be some things that may not matter as much and other things that are a complete turn off. But before you can even deal with that part of the situation there is a broader sense to understand.

In general, whether you are single or married you want to take a good look at yourself and see what are those things that are not very pleasant about you. Many time there are things about us that we think are a part of us. We won't change these things for anyone because that is just "who we are" and we want to be "true to ourselves". Well, perhaps the trait we are defending is actually not who we are meant to be in God's sight. Perhaps it is a result of sin or lack of virtue.

I've also learned that my mom was right when she used to tell me as I got older (and finally started dating the right kind of guys) - "You won't get a holy guy if you are not trying to be holy yourself." Even when I was younger and not living my faith, I came to realize that I attracted guys that reflected my own weaknesses. When I was cussing and talking crudely I was with the same type of guy. When I was partying or not being very "moral" I was with the same type of guy. If I did not respect myself…etc, etc. And this is not something I noticed only in myself. Over and over again you see dysfunctional people attracting other dysfunctional people.

Now, I'm certainly not saying you're dysfunctional but everyone should ask themselves, is my (insert negative trait or sin here) really something I want to hold onto? And is it something I want my future spouse to be attracted to?

None of us are perfect and God certainly loves us as we are but he also loves us enough to want the best for us. Are you a shining example of a daughter of the Almighty and Holy One? Are you truly a reflection of God's pure love? Well, we both may be far from that but it is what we are called to be - "perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect".

I admit that can be very discouraging when we see all our faults and non-virtuous ways! Yet, it is what we are called to strive for. However, God knows your individual personality with all its strengthens and weaknesses. He doesn't expect you to completely change who you are, rather He wants to refine who you are so you can better exemplify the person of Christ.

Take it to prayer. Find yourself a good examination of conscience. (If you need one, let me know and I'll send you one.) Review over it and see if there are some areas of your life that need working on - not just so you can "get a guy" but so you can get closer to Christ who should always be the most important man in your life, whether married or single. Start with the biggies - are you living in a state of grace and following the commandments - and then work your way down. Choose just one or two things to work on first. We all have enough points to work on to last us until a ripe old age!

Then as you work on these own things in yourself you'll also be aware of the traits that you are looking for in a future spouse. And as you become more the person you are meant to be, the greater the chance that you will attract (and be attracted to) the man God has chosen to be your husband.

Take care and God bless you. We'll keep you in prayer.

In Christ,
Bobbi