Revolution of Love.com
Dating Mr./Ms. Wrong:
Questions to Ask about Your Relationship
by Bobbi
Dating Phases
During my dating years when I was in my 20's I went through a number of "phases". At first I was not practicing my faith and dating any guy that I found interesting. This lead to a number of "dysfunctional" relationships, with a few being more damaging to my soul than others.
After my conversion and returning to God, I moved up in my standards and only considered guys who were practicing Christians. (I didn't know any really practicing Catholics at the time.) This lead to my meeting some nice guys, but when it came down to getting more serious our differing faiths always stopped us from continuing the relationship.
In my mid 20's I considered a religious vocation and struggled with the idea of never marrying. However, it was at this point that I learned the true meaning of a vocation (whether married to Christ or a man) and my relationship with Jesus grew and deepened. After some time I was eager to love Our Lord in whatever my chosen vocation.
Needless to say, religious life was not the route God chose for me so I was back to praying for a holy spouse, except that this time I was a faithful Catholic only interesting in dating another faithful Catholic. Frankly, this greatly narrowed the amount of datable prospects. Where was I to find a guy who was a faithful Catholic, believing and living all the teachings of the Catholic faith, was someone that I was interested in and, to top it off, was interested in me? Let's just say, there were times when I was more than just a little frustrated.
In Love with Love
I distinctly recall times when I started to become a little lax in how I judged a man. As a result I had to ask myself if I was truly in love with John Doe or was I in love with "Love"? I wanted to be married and to raise a family so exceedingly that as time went by I became more willing to look the other way when I saw "red flags" in the relationship or when my gut told me that things were not right.
Sometimes I was too wrapped up to see it myself. Sometimes it was family members and friends who were concerned about my choices, but I didn't want to listen to them. I told them that I knew John Doe better than they did. I told them that I had prayed about it and saw countless "signs" telling me that he was Mr. Right. But looking back now, what were my signs? Were they circumstances that I twisted around to appear in my favor? Or were God's "signs" actually the voices of my loved ones cautioning me? God was answering my fervent prayers all right, but the answer was "No" and I didn't want to hear it.
Thankfully, I never did marry one of those John Does, but what if I had? I am sure God would not have abandoned me. I am sure He would have helped me to make the best of my marriage and grow in my love for my spouse. But it would not have been God's first choice for me. My road in life would have been more difficult, leaving me feeling restless and discontent. It would not have given me the same peace that comes from doing God's will first and foremost.
When In Doubt, Check It Out
So why bring all this up? Because too often I have seen friends in the same situation that I was in - where everyone saw the "red flags" but the person involved. Perhaps you are in a relationship and your loved ones are telling you that there is a problem. Or perhaps you have inner doubts, but are scared of what the consequences may be if you listen to them. That doesn't mean you should dump your significant other right away, but you should definitely take all the time you need to work through these things. Marriage is far too important and too sacred not to. Besides, if you truly love your boy/girl friend/fiancée then you should want the best for them. And if you believe that God truly loves you as His own child, then you should know He only wants the best for you. Now is the time to be certain that you are both following the path God has chosen for you.
Topics to Discuss
If you are not sure what kind of things you should be considering, allow me to end this article with a sampling of questions that you and your boy/girl friend/fiancée should both consider and discuss. (I'll use the world "fiancée" although it can be applied to "boy/girl friend" as well.)
--Am I in a state of grace? Am I working to grow closer to Christ by taking time to pray each day and going to Mass and Confession regularly? Am I working to be a woman/man of God now or am I waiting until I am married to be holier? Is my fiancée?
--Is my relationship with my fiancée bringing me closer to God? Have I been more lax in my faith because it makes him/her uncomfortable? Is God the center of our lives and all the decisions we make?
--Do we both believe that marriage is our path to heaven? Have we been preparing practically and spiritually for marriage? Have we both read (and agree with) solid marriage prep books such as Marriage Is for Keeps: Foundations for Christian Marriage?
--Do I believe and follow all the teachings of the church? Does my fiancée? Are we sleeping together? If not, do we plan to use contraception once we are married?
--Am I playing the role of the "savior" in my relationship? Are their serious problems or emotional issues that I am trying to save him/her from? Do I think that after marriage everything will change for the better?
--Do I realize that love is not just an emotion? Do I realize that love is self-sacrifice and dying to self for the sake of another? Does my fiancée feel this way? Have we discussed it?
--(If you are male.) Have I studied the meaning of the bible passage, "Husbands, love your lives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up to her…" (Eph. 5:21-33) Am I ready to take the role and responsibility as spiritual head of the family? Does my fiancée agree with this? Am I willing to lay down my life each day for the love of my spouse and future children? Will my fiancée be a strong spiritual helpmate? Does she have other issues that may hinder her? Have I discussed this with her?
--(If you are female.) Have I studied the meaning of the bible passage, "Wives be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church…" (Eph. 5:21-33) Is my fiancée the kind of man that I want to be the head of the household? Do I respect and trust him to make godly decisions? Does he see religion as more "my job"? Have I discussed this with him?
--How does my fiancée get along with his/her family? How do I? Did s/he have a troubled childhood? Did I? Have we discussed these things and how it will affect our own roles as future spouses and parents?
--How do we communicate with each other? Do we spend a lot of time talking with each other, including serious things? Do we know each other as best friends or are there certain things I am not comfortable discussing? Does each discussion get cut off short by physical contact?
--Are there behavior patterns that should trouble me in my fiancée, such as: always criticizing, constantly jealous, too "clingy", flirtatious with the opposite sex, has a bad temper, a foul mouth, reads/watches inappropriate material, drinks too much, is physically or verbally abuse, etc.?
--Are either of us in debt? Are we able to afford to get married now? Will one of us be able to quit our job once a baby arrives? Do we both agree on what is a "want" and what is a "necessity"?
--Are my loved ones and/or friends seeing problems in the relationship that I am just not seeing? Why are we disagreeing about this? Have I honestly dealt with these things with a holy confessor/spiritual director?
Be Not Afraid
If after reviewing these, you are troubled by some of your answers don't be afraid to face and deal with them. Pour your heart out to God. Turn to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Immaculate Heart of Mary. Seek the guidance of a holy priest, spiritual director, or mentor who is a strong, practicing Catholic to help you see the matter more clearly. It's a tough business but don't forget that you want more than just a happy wedding day, you want a lifetime of love that will bring many years of happiness as you, your spouse, and your children work together to build the Kingdom and bring glory to God.