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simon benkonic
(1979-2004)

OOH-RAH Means AMEN!: On Grief

by Judy McCloskey

Military service demands confrontation with death, either facing the reality of your own mortality, that of your spouse, loved one or dearest friend. Over my husband's 20 year naval career, in war and peace, every deployment meant saying that final good-bye this side of heaven's veil to at least one member of the ship's crew- sometimes more. How is one to prepare?

Death is an inescapable fact of life. For us military, we can envision the transition from this life to the next as the ultimate PCS (" Permanent Change of Station"). Those lead by God to honorable service in the military share this bond of appreciating life while confronting death, or the proximity of death, everyday. Still, death is a mystery and often we wage a kind of internal civil war between our human heart and our spiritual heart, and our soul is caught in the cross-fire.

The Problem with Grief

C.S. Lewis once wrote: "No one ever told me grief felt so like fear." This is familiar response, as is the feeling of abandonment, given we are humans. Christ in his agony crying "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" assures us that this is an acceptable response on the natural level, and elevated to the super-natural level when united with Christ on the cross. As with all things, there is a right way to grieve that leads to healing and restoration, and a wrong way to grieve that leads to despair and illness. When grief is prolonged or becomes the center of one's existence, it often leads to despair or depression and the mind can make the body symptomatic of physical illness.

We know grief is a proper expression of the Christian love we have for another. Jesus grieved at the tomb of his friend, Lazarus (John 11). Paul grieved with his friends at his departure and prophesied martyrdom (Acts 20). Numerous saints rightly grieved over loss of their loved one. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, patroness of sea services, grieved as she buried her husband and two children. We also hear Christ teach: "Blessed are those who mourn."
What's so Blessed About Mourning?

Why are those who mourn blessed? "They shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4). Holy mourning increases the soul's receptivity of the Holy Spirit- "the sweet anointing from above":

O comforter, to Thee we cry,
O heavenly gift of God Most High

I can hear the objections. They are my objections, too. Summed up, "easier said than done." Let me share a recent experience.

A dear friend of mine recently buried her 25 year old son, Simon. I had been praying for Simon ever since he was thinking of joining the Army. Spiritually speaking, I had adopted Simon. I simply had to attend his funeral. Plane reservations were made, bags packed, ticket purchased, arrangements made for my own children and plane boarded all within a few "parting of the Red Sea " hours.

Simon's father was one of the pall-bearers. His mother proceeded down the aisle linked arm in arm with her two daughters flanking each side. My friend is one of those rare but recognizable women of grace, most especially that day, burying her son. Her face was composed, set toward the altar of the Lord, poised and confident as if to communicate silently "Daughters, this is what the Lord is asking us to do today. Follow me." As valiantly as an honorable soldier, she marched down that aisle set on accomplishing God's mission.

Church of the Holy Spirit

Espiritu Sanctus, her hometown parish, was packed with family and friends, many of whom were young friends of Simon. In military years, Simon would be considered an "old man"- the average age for Army personnel being between 17 and 22 years. Echoing the Mass reading from the weekend of his death, the parable of the Prodigal Son, also known as the parable of Divine Mercy, was heard once more. The homilist's opening line clarified: "Lest any of us here think that Simon was the Prodigal Son, I assure you, we are ALL the Prodigal Son." The homily was a well-woven tapestry of spiritual truths about Divine Mercy, life, military service, youth and the promises of Christ. The priest quoted Edmund Burke's historically proven line: "All it takes for evil to triumph in this world is for good men to do nothing." That was certainly a fitting tribute for an infantryman who served in Baghdad and Tikrit, was shot at night after night for months, and survived being knifed in the back by an Iraqi insurgent. Of course, Simon never mentioned the stabbing incident because as he later confessed "I didn't want you to worry about me."

Father's homily spoke of the deafening spiritual warfare being waged all around us, not just in designated war zones on foreign ground- but right here, in the US , in my home, in your home, everywhere. The Spirit-driven, hope-filled homily on Divine Mercy included the priest's battle cry to rise up in defense of truth, the Church, and forgotten souls- those unknown soldiers on the Church's spiritual battlefield. Even so, throughout the homily there pervaded a definitive spiritual joy that can only come from God in the midst of such suffering.

Something About Simon

At the conclusion of the Mass, the mother stood up to address the mourners present. "I want to tell you all something about my son, Simon." She shared memories of the last time she hugged her son and laid her head on his Army-fitness strengthened back. She went on: "I just want to take this opportunity to tell all of you gathered here, especially Simon's friends, one thing. God loves you. There is no sin greater than God's mercy. I know for many of you here, this is the first time you've set foot in a church in many years. Thank you for being here. If you're looking for a way to truly honor the life and memory of my son, Simon, come back to God. Come back to the Church. God loves you." If there was any one in the church not yet crying, they were crying now. You could hear the sobs. The mother was composed, assured, and still focused on giving God the glory even in the midst of her own Way of the Cross. She shared her deepest prayer: "God, grant me the grace to look upon my son lying in a casket as Mary was given the grace to look upon her Son hanging on the Cross." And there was plenty of evidence she received that grace. Blessed are those who mourn.

Rejoice, O Jerusalem

She offered a brief explanation of the pink suit she was wearing. (I knew when I was packing; she would not be wearing black.) "My son died the weekend we celebrated Laetare Sunday. Do you remember? One of the readings that day was about the prodigal son, the merciful father. It's a parable of Divine Mercy. And the vestments worn during that Mass were pink. Pink represents joy and hope, even in the midst of suffering, in the middle of Lent. 'Rejoice, O Jerusalem .'" Now the mother smiles. Turning to her son, she finally was able to say good-bye: "Son, you are an infantry man. You are a fighter, sent into the Lord's Army. I love you. Rest in the Father's Merciful Love. Ooh-rah." Turning to the tabernacle, she bowed reverently and gracefully returned to her place next to her husband in the pew.
Next, the husband stands to speak: "For those of you at work asking me how my wife is doing, you just heard how she's doing. Join us afterwards to celebrate the life of our son, Simon and the 25 great years we shared with him."
They processed out. The cars lined in the church parking lot for the processional. We gather again at the grave site.

Military Honors

Simon earned five Army commendation medals in his four years of service, earning the right to be buried with full military honors: flag-draped coffin, TAPS, the firing of three volleys. As those young men (they looked even younger than Simon) came to the last fold of that flag, I faltered. When faced with death, it is a test of faith to trust God who is Life. Though I didn't hear his voice, I know what the young man said: "On behalf of the President of the United States and the people of a grateful nation, may I present this flag as a token of appreciation for the honorable and faithful service your loved one rendered this nation."
As friends began to line up to offer condolences, it was the parents more often than not who were the ones consoling rather than being consoled. Without wavering, believing it down to her toes, my friend affirmed: "You know, God's grace is sufficient for us."

Comfort the Sorrowful, Pray for the Living and the Dead

Undoubtedly, the family's grief has only just begun. Anyone who has experienced such a sudden and tremendous loss knows this to be true. But there is hope. He who is faithful and true has said "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."

For Corporal Simon Benkovic- and all those he represents- let us pray. As we continue the journey through this most blessed Easter season and Divine Mercy Sunday, let us pray for the living and the dead, and do so with confidence that Christ indeed makes all things new.

Oo-rah.

Judy McCloskey is the Founder and President of CatholicMil.org, a website that serves those who serve, offering U.S. Armed Forces personnel spiritual truths of military life in light of the Catholic Faith. She can be reached at info@catholicmil.org. (Article reprinted with permission.)

Corporal Simon Benkovic, 25, of Palm Harbor died March 20, 2004 in a vehicular accident. He was a decorated U.S. Army veteran of two foreign wars having served 14 months in Korea with the Army's Second Infantry Division and six months in the war in Iraq as a member of the Fourth Infantry Division, Third Brigade Combat Team, 1-8 Mechanized.

Simon is the son of Johnnette Benkovic, the Founder and President of Living His Life Abundantly International, a Catholic evangelization apostolate and the Founder of Catholic Women of Grace, an apostolate for Christian women.

 

For Reading Material about Grief and Suffering, refer to:

Sights & Sounds: Books on Suffering