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Journey to God Part II: A Religious Vocation?
by Bobbi
The summer of my 26th year had been a long and hard struggle. It began when my mom uttered the alarming words: "God may be calling you to the religious life." As a renewed Catholic I had great admiration for nuns but did not want to be one myself. However, I couldn't ignore the nagging feeling in my heart that God may be calling me to a religious vocation. There were mixed feelings - one day I'd have romantic notions of me working as a missionary or penning spiritual diaries and then the next day I'd be filled with dread wondering, what the heck am I thinking? Finally I decided to give it a try by living the life of a consecrated. I would attend a summer long retreat for women discerning a religious vocation. Once the retreat was over, I could return home with a clean conscience saying I had "tried".
Life with the consecrated was not what I expected. It was a time of active apostolate and deep prayer - I think it was the prayer that got to me. I wasn't one of those that could spend countless hours praying before the tabernacle but praying in common with the others girls and especially spending time alone with Our Lord in the tabernacle melted my cynical and selfish heart. I began to love the life and wanted to embrace it wholeheartedly. I knelt in the chapel and begged God to forgive me for being so selfish and self-centered and for looking on a religious vocation with disdain, rather than with joy to be chosen as a bride of Christ. I surrendered my whole being and gave to God my life to do with as He willed.
Later I opened up my heart to my confessor and spiritual director, revealing all that I was going through. I knew that they were the tools God would use to guide me. I thought I was ready to join the novitiate but surprisingly, they felt it was not certain that I had a vocation. I was to go back into the world for one more year and if at the end of the year I still felt called, then I was to return. I walked back to the chapel and sobbed. I couldn't believe it. First I wanted nothing to do with living the life of a nun but God called me. Then I wanted nothing more than to live that kind of life and God said no.
I couldn't help but feel betrayed until I slowly began to realize just what happened to me during those summer weeks. There had been a definite change in my spiritual life; it gained depth that had not been there previously. I thought about all the classes on spirituality I had taken - particularly the class on the Sacrament of marriage. I was intrigued to learn how a wife and husband are called to sanctity within their vocation, just as a religious. Therefore a single woman called to marriage should be looking for a spouse that would help her reach heaven. I marveled at the idea! Looking back now, it's rather funny that God had to put me on the path of a consecrated soul in order to show me the kind of man I should be seeking if I was called to married life. I guess God uses what it takes to teach us our lessons.
I realized the summer retreat was all a part of God's divine plan and in the long run it would serve its purpose. My heart was filled with peace and joy, knowing that God was in control and that I had finally learned to let go and let God. I would just have to wait to see what God had in store for me.
Many months later…. I remember the day well. I was in church praying before Our Lord. It had been nearly a year since I tried the religious life and after a lot of prayer and spiritual direction I finally knew with certainty that God was calling me to be a wife & mother. I believe God had been testing me. By embracing the religious life with love, I had surrendered my life to God and only then could He reveal the true direction of my vocation.
I would love to say that shortly after figuring out my vocation I succeeded in the monumental task of finding a holy spouse that cared deeply about the same things I did and who saw our future marriage as our path to heaven. The reality is that it would take another looong two years. Although I was truly trying to accept God's will and timing, it was an acute struggle to feel called to a vocation so strongly, yet not be able to "participate" in that vocation without the right partner. I had to learn how to stay focused on growing more mature and spiritually rooted, as well as trying to be patient, trusting that God would answer my prayers in His time.
Months went by and a friend gave me a novena to Blessed Anna Marie Taigi that her sister prayed with the specific intention of finding the right husband. After the novena she soon met her future husband on the internet in a Catholic chatroom. I read some information about Bl. Anna Marie, a holy Catholic wife, and decided to make the novena. The following week I attending my young adult's meetings with renewed vigor - I was ready for Mr. Right to walk in the door any minute. By the end of the meeting I finally resigned, "Okay, okay, Lord. It's obvious that it's not time yet! I'll be patient!" And again, I waited….
To continue the rest of the story, see Part III: How We Met.
To go back to the first part of the story, see Part I: Journey to God.